There's So Much I Could Write About Right Now...

Whether I would rather have love or happiness. What it means to be truly beautiful. Being willing to be confused and sound stupid for the sake of the love of learning. Being fake versus being real. The big True Grit poster my roomie put above her bed. Loving others so that I can love myself correctly. That love is worth it. Feeling displaced. Wishing that change will never come but knowing it will. Modernist poetry. That I just came from the first session in at least a week where I followed the discussion the entire time and came out feeling rejuvenated instead of discouraged. But, I don't think I'm going to write about any of it. I'm just going to wonder, think, and try to pray from the heart.

The Truly Human Things

I am convinced that the majority of what we do as humans is not meant to be the crux of our existence. I (and many of my peers at college here) have spent most of this semester filling out paperwork, writing and editing papers about topics we usually aren't passionate about, scheduling time into our lives to breathe, worrying about finances, worrying about having enough time, worrying about what the future holds, worrying about whether our majors are applicable in this economy, trying to fix stubborn computers and trying to fit a lot of classes into a very short amount of time. I don't think this is what I was made to do.

I was made to grow, to learn, to think, to pray, to love, to read, to write, to share, to have joy. Instead I find myself forgetting about all of these things for large chunks of time. I forget that God wants me to be joyful (not happy, but joyful). While humanity was created to work, I think we are meant to enjoy our work. College is a time to do this. It is the one time in my life where I will work closely with people who genuinely care about me and my personal growth and where my "job" of being a student includes meeting with those in authority over me to talk about how I'm growing as a person and follower of Christ. I am incredibly thankful for this oppurtunity, but at the same time I wish it wasn't all crammed into four years. We are so busy making the most of this oppurtunity that we don't have time to love, to be loved, to rest, to think, to mold our hearts into lovers of what is good, true, and beautiful. Instead I am too busy worrying whether I will have time to finish everything (and I'm not even taking a full 18 units this semester) that I don't have time to stop and just be.

A few months ago I wrote about how I was sick of just "being." I wanted to move on to doing something. I now want the reverse. I want time to be an Torrey student who actually understands the text for once. I want time to go to the beach. I want to talk for hours with my friends and not feel like I'm neglecting the 500 pages of Dostoyevsky that still need to be read. I want to return to the truly human things. I want to read good books, talk about theology, wade in a creek, dance, bake bread, laugh, drink tea. I want to be human, not a machine that must finish task X before five o'clock.

"I don't have a fairy tale marriage, but my marriage has fairy tale moments."

~Mr. San Nicolas

Music and Memories

For some reason (and I know exactly why), "Wild World" and "Miles From Nowhere" by Cat Stevens and "Simple Man" by Lynyrd Skynyrd make me really miss my brother. And I haven't missed him in a long time. I think "Summertime Dream" by Gordon Lightfoot, "Here Comes the Sun" by the Beatles, and "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey make that list, too. He introduced me to these songs (and other "good" music) during our daily driving to school adventures.

I don't appreciate my family enough. And college is teaching me to. I just wish it hadn't taken me so long to learn that lesson.

I have also been humming the first few chords of "By the Rising of the Moon" and it makes me miss my dad. It's an Irish freedom song, and he used to play it for me on the guitar when I was little. I used to beg him to play "the moon song." "God Bless the U.S.A." also reminds me of him. He has an unwavering loyalty to America, and this is the only song I've ever seen bring him to tears. It reminds me that he's human, too.

"Forever in Blue Jeans" by Neil Diamond makes me miss my mom. She loves Neil Diamond, and even though its sappy, my dad still bought the CD for her.

"Church in the Wildwood" (especially sung by Johnny Cash) and "Daddy Sang Bass" by Johnny Cash make me miss my church in Woody. I miss the old hymns, the people who have known me and watched me grow up, and the fact that it is in the country with cows and a creek right over the barbed wire fence.

Music brings back memories. God knew what he was doing when He created it.

My Week Has Been...

• Working all weekend and all week on homework and realizing that I'll still have to work long, hard, and late to get all my homework done on time.
• Hitting the ball in softball class.
• Seeing Kayla.
• A second Reynolds session in one semester.
• Encouragement from Mary Kate.
• Lack of sleep.
• Facebook-free.
• Canterbury Tales, As You Like It, and Hamlet.
• Funny dinner-time conversations.
• Friends who will be RAs in Sigma next year.
• Naps in the middle of the afternoon.
• Shoulder-length curly hair.
• Strangers who walk up to me and ask if they can pray for me.
• Sees candy.
• Singing worship songs in Spanish.
• Paper-writing, note-taking, test-passing, and too-much-stressing.
• Being very frustrated with Turabian formatting yet again.
• Sweaters and scarves.
• Weird rumors about famous people applying to Biola and Torrey.
• Tea and cookies in class.
• Friends.
• Friends who let me use their phones when AT&T cell reception shuts down for two days.
• IT Helpdesk.
• Southern gospel music.
• Humor.
• Prayers.
• Being reminded that God will provide.

My Heart

Is beating.

Is longing.

Is pleading.

Is calling out.

Is crying deep inside.

Is dancing with joy.

Is wishing to be free.

Is being held.

Is sealed.

Is not my own.

Is given away.

Is safe.

Is dying.

Is in my King's hands.

This is a poem I wrote (please grant me grace, I know I'm no poet) at the end of my senior year of high school when I was going through some minor problems with my physical heart, and dealing with the realization that my closest friends from high school would be leaving (as I would) in a few short months for college. Nine months later, it still manages to capture what I'm feeling.

A Thing Called Love

"You can't see it with your eyes, hold it in your hands,

But like the wind that covers our land

Strong enough to rule the heart of any man,

This thing called love.

It can lift you up, never let you down,

Take your world and turn it all around...

Ever since time, nothin's ever been found that's stronger than love."

~"A Thing Called Love"

I posted these lyrics and this picture for the reason I wrote about yesterday...beauty. There's nothing inherently didactic about this picture or this song. In fact, both elicit a very emotional response. But both are simply beautiful (at least to me). Both bring hope and joy. I think that is the purpose God gave beauty.