"If the lost word is lost, if the spent word is spent If the unheard, unspoken Word is unspoken, unheard; Still is the unspoken word, the Word unheard, The Word without a word, the Word within The world and for the world; And the light shone in darkness and Against the Word the unstilled world still whirled About the centre of the silent Word." This stanza from T. S. Eliot's "Ash Wednesday," along with help from Juliet, Austin, and Elizabeth, helped me begin to appreciate T. S. Eliot's high modernist poetry. On a half-way related note, it is weird to think that ten years ago, my family did not have Internet, cell phones, ipods, or laptops... Oh, the nineties...

Joy: (n.) 1) sitting with my closest friends at Biola while eating Froot Loops, looking at a double rainbow, discussing worship music, and getting class credit for it. 2) Rachmaninoff.

There's So Much I Could Write About Right Now...

Whether I would rather have love or happiness. What it means to be truly beautiful. Being willing to be confused and sound stupid for the sake of the love of learning. Being fake versus being real. The big True Grit poster my roomie put above her bed. Loving others so that I can love myself correctly. That love is worth it. Feeling displaced. Wishing that change will never come but knowing it will. Modernist poetry. That I just came from the first session in at least a week where I followed the discussion the entire time and came out feeling rejuvenated instead of discouraged. But, I don't think I'm going to write about any of it. I'm just going to wonder, think, and try to pray from the heart.

My Computer Has a Vendetta Against Me...

My quirky computer, Blogger.com, and the "enter" key on my computer are not getting along. Thus, my blog posts come out as one long paragraph because Blogger refuses to recognize that I pressed enter (twice). And they remain that way until I can borrow Elizabeth's computer or make it to the library and fix it there. Here's to short blog posts in the near future.

Math for a Torrey Student

550 pages of Dostoyevsky to read + a computer that doesn't work well + lots of paperwork to fill out for the BSA + decisions to make + needing to watch a softball game sometime before the season ends + cancelling on my GYRAD date + Kierkegaard's existential philosophy + being told my writing skills need work + jury duty summons + tax forms + not enough money + feeling inadequate for my future career + being homesick + worry about friends + less sleep than I like = 1 stressed Torrey student (stressed about too many little things that she can't control)

"When I talked about this with one of my other classes, one student kept saying, 'I don't want to be in pain or alone.' All I could think of was the opposite: what is that worth?" ~Dr. Peters

The easy life is fun, but it isn't worth anything. It doesn't help me grow. It doesn't teach me to endure. It isn't surrendered to God. That's what keeps me going.

More of God's Gifts That I Have Noticed Lately

21. Having my Torrey paper turned in!

22. Power adapters.

23. That I didn't have to pull an all-nighter this semester to write my paper.

24. Irish music.

25. The fact that no matter how terrible my paper is, Jesus still loves me.

26. People who like to bestow monetary blessings on college students.

27. Quadratus.

28. Jelly beans.

29. Texts that make me laugh.

30. Inspiring people.

I Know It's Paper Week When...

• My best friend is the thesaurus.
• My power adapter for my laptop quits during the one time in the semester where I consider pulling all-nighters.
• I spend more time in the library than anywhere else.
• Torrey students are preparing to take over the SUB at approximately 9 pm Thursday night and will not release their hold until about 7 am Friday morning.
• For once, no one wants Friday to come any sooner.
• I experience immense guilt every time I post on my blog because I know that time should be spent editing my paper.
• Six hours of sleep becomes "enough."
• I consider taking an extension on Torrey reading.
• My friends no longer greet me with, "Hi, how are you?" but instead, "Hi, how's your paper coming?"
• Tea with caffeine late at night becomes a blessing instead of a curse.
• I forget what day it is and start thinking my paper is due tomorrow.
• I am much more thankful for the little things.

"On Gmail, whenever I click 'Save Now,' I think 'Hosanna!'... 'Autosave' insn't biblical."
~Dr. Sanders during our discussion on Psalms

I love my professors.

Thankfulness

11. John Donne's divine poetry

12. The abundance of computers in the library

13. Friends with cars who drive me to Best Buy

14. Sleep

15. Ways to save money

16. A summer job!

17. Laughter

18. Tea

19. The combination of sunshine and rain

20. The mountains

Modernist poetry is like hipster clothing: its purpose is not to be beautiful but to be "unique."

My Week Has Been...

• Working all weekend and all week on homework and realizing that I'll still have to work long, hard, and late to get all my homework done on time.
• Hitting the ball in softball class.
• Seeing Kayla.
• A second Reynolds session in one semester.
• Encouragement from Mary Kate.
• Lack of sleep.
• Facebook-free.
• Canterbury Tales, As You Like It, and Hamlet.
• Funny dinner-time conversations.
• Friends who will be RAs in Sigma next year.
• Naps in the middle of the afternoon.
• Shoulder-length curly hair.
• Strangers who walk up to me and ask if they can pray for me.
• Sees candy.
• Singing worship songs in Spanish.
• Paper-writing, note-taking, test-passing, and too-much-stressing.
• Being very frustrated with Turabian formatting yet again.
• Sweaters and scarves.
• Weird rumors about famous people applying to Biola and Torrey.
• Tea and cookies in class.
• Friends.
• Friends who let me use their phones when AT&T cell reception shuts down for two days.
• IT Helpdesk.
• Southern gospel music.
• Humor.
• Prayers.
• Being reminded that God will provide.

I Just Need to Process What's Going On

I am mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. The weekend is almost here, but I have two books to read and take notes on, a paper to write, a test to study for, a 7-10 page paper to start, pull questions to do...the list goes on. I am praying for discipline to get everything done and ignore the existence of my social life for awhile. But in the midst of that daunting to-do list, I need to process what is going on. And I need to count my blessings.

• I love my professors. I was skimming Amazon.com last night (instead of doing homework) and I found a book by John Mark Reynolds. It is so awesome to smile to myself and think, "He's one of my professors."


• I particularly loved Torrey session last night. There was a lot of laughter, from the students and from the professor, and a lot of diagramming on the board, which I love to do.


• I love Professor Schubert. When she is our tutor, I feel like she is part of the class, learning and discovering with us, rather than leading the discussion. And she has wonderful stories.


• Augustine blows my mind.


• The love within my Torrey group is amazing. I pray it continues to grow.


• I'm really excited for Freshman Initiatives.

I am so thankful for God's love and the old hymns that express that love. Two years ago, I stood the gym at BCHS singing the last verse of "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing," realizing for the first time in weeks that God loves and cares for me.

"O to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be!

Let thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love;

here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above."

Today was...

• The Getty Museum


• PB&J


• A view of Los Angeles on a clear day (by LA standards).


• Having "Go the Distance" from Hercules stuck in my head as I looked at art made centuries ago.


• Being reminded that the world is much bigger than the Biola bubble.


• Looking at a painting of Christ's Resurrection with five other Torrey students who were all humming "Jesus Paid It All."


• A positive experience riding with Elizabeth in LA.


• A full meal at Chick-Fil-A for only $2.06.


• Being thoroughly exhausted from something that is not schoolwork.


• Getting an e-mail telling me I can teach high school English with a Humanities major.


• Watching my ideas form a paper thesis.


• Good friends.


• Riding back to Biola from LA in the rain listening to The Lord of the Rings soundtrack.


• Skipping down the hill at the Getty in the rain.


• Being on top of a mountain for the first time in weeks.


• Seeing this painting and connecting it to Dante's Divine Comedy.

The Blessing of Each Day

Augustine.
Two cups of tea.
Torrey session on Psalms.
A yellow rose from my Quadratus gentlemen.
A singing Valentines' Day message from my Quadratus gentlemen.
C.S. Lewis.
Dr. Henderson's sense of humor.
Leggings and a dress.
A Jane Austen-esque hairstyle.
Finding a paper topic.
A package of Sees candies from my mom.
Singing songs in class.
Putting together a sentence in Spanish class that actually makes sense.
Praying with my friends.
Reading My Utmost for His Highest aloud to Elizabeth in the caf.
Laughter.
Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies.
"Be Thou My Vision" stuck in my head.

A Day of Firsts

Today has been a wonderfully surprising and surprisingly wonderful day. I went to a reformed-doctrine church for the first time and watched the Super Bowl (well, some of it) for the first time. I also attended my first Super-Bowl-party-turned-hymn-sing.


I was planning on going to church this weekend with Maddie, like we did near the end of last semester, but she went back to Bakersfield for the weekend, so I asked Elizabeth if I could go with her. So, I ended up at a reformed-doctrine church with Elizabeth and two other friends. Afterwards, we planned to go to Elizabeth's house for the Super Bowl. Because I'm not a huge football fan, I wasn't entirely thrilled about an afternoon of football, but I decided to tag along because free (non-cafeteria) food was involved, as was getting off campus and hanging out with friends. However, everyone who wanted to go along were Torrey kids, which meant all of them had homework to be doing. So, we talked ourselves into believing that this would be a study party, too.


Some of us (especially those of us not interested in football) opted to do some homework, too. So, I sat in the Bush's kitchen, alternating between watching Super Bowl commercials and reading Psalms. Talk about a clash of cultures.


After dinner, the die-hard, I-actually-came-to-watch-the-Super-Bowl people parked themselves in front of the TV to finish watching (and loudly discussing) the game while the rest of us went into another room to read or do homework. Elizabeth played the piano, while we sat contentedly doing our work. Eventually, a guitar was brought out and more people migrated to this room and we started singing praise songs we knew from memory. I sat in an armchair with my Bible on my lap, looking at the scene. Mr. and Mrs. Bush and their 11-year-old daughter sat on one couch, reading and doing a puzzle. Their 7-year-old daughter sat in the arm chair next to mine snuggling in blankets and reading a book. Cree played the guitar, and Elizabeth, Cori, Robin, Andrew, Kyle, and Sean sat in various places on couches or on the floor singing along. Elizabeth beckoned me and I joined the college kids sitting on the floor. I smiled. This was what live is supposed to be. Family that loves one another and others. Students who want to glorify God. A place where friendship, books, knowledge, joy, truth, mentoring, prayer, and songs abound. We eventually gathered around the piano as Elizabeth played or we sang acapella to many of the old hymns I grew up learning. We sang all of my all-time favorites: "Nothing But the Blood," "Be Thou My Vision," "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing," "The Old Rugged Cross," and so many more. Mrs. Bush brought out tea for us, and I laughed as I watched college-aged boys rushing to the china tea cups, trying to figure out how they were meant to be held. We sang a few more hymns and prayed. As we prayed, I felt like I was a part of the Body of Christ in a closer, more personal way than I feel when I'm at chapel or in any gathering of believers (other than my Torrey group and my home church). I was with a variety of people: one who knows me better than I know myself, one I had only met that day, and everyone else fell somewhere in between. Yet all were a part of the Body of Christ, all were my brothers and sisters in the family of God. After we prayed, we loaded up into Elizabeth's car and ended the evening by driving back to Biola on the freeway, singing along to "Don't Stop Believing" and "Lucky."


Super Bowl Sunday has held special significance to me for four years: on Super Bowl Sunday in 2007, I was baptized. Four years ago, I never imagined being here. I never could have imagined the spiritual steps I have taken. I look at my infant-Christian self, and see such a huge change in my relationship with God. I can see where He has brought me, who He has put in my life to touch me, and how He has loved me.

I Am Thankful For...

• Biola.
• Friends who move in before me and are here to welcome me.
• Johnny Cash.
• The fact that my dad has enough Johnny Cash music to last the entire drive from Bakersfield to Biola. And then some.
• Tears.
• My family. Even with all of our fights, grudges, tears, disabilities, stupid comments, sloppiness, stubborness, and pride. I'm still thankful for them.
• Arriving at Biola safely and not getting hit on the tricky interchange between the I-5, the 60, and the 10. And safely getting over the Grapevine.
• Having Jenna in my American Lit class and Spencer in my Spanish class.
• Hugs.
• Friends who missed me.
• Bakersfield and Woody.
• Rain. Lots and lots of rain.
• The rain that drowns out the Sufjan music playing in the car as I drive through green rolling hills to church.
• The Biola caf.
• The Irish.
• The National Multiple Sclerosis Society.
• The Boy Scouts.
• The fact that I didn't get that receptionist job.
• The fact that I have to rely on God for where money will come from.
• Scholarship searches.
• Tea.
• Commons.
• Posters in my dorm room.
• The picture of my best friend and her family holding a plaque that says, "God Is In Control" that is posted where I can see it from my desk.
• More books than I have shelf space for.
• Internet access from my dorm room.
• My friends from high school.
• Getting into a literature class.
• The fact that I have a P.E. class even if it wasn't the one I wanted and even though I'm scared to death about that class.
• Little things that give me a familiarity of being "home."

It Must Be Time to Go Back to Biola

My friends are quoting Peter Kreeft on their Facebook statuses.

I keep getting "I wish you were here already" texts and Facebook comments.

I am three books ahead for Torrey reading.

My room is a pile of stuff that needs to be packed by tonight.

I am so excited about rearranging and redecorating my dorm room tomorrow.

Chuck Colson and Scott Rae are speaking at an event at Biola next weekend and I am registered to go. For free.

Mere Christian Radio has me excited for getting back into Torrey reading.

My friend Jenna is in my 8 am American Lit II class.

I have five boxes of tea bags and four mugs ready for impromptu tea parties in Sigma.

I now own the Complete Works of Plato. I feel like a registered nerd.

I have two classes in Sutherland Hall this semester.

I get to have a girls' night with my mom and eat Chinese food and watch Faith Like Potatoes tonight.

I am reading Plato, Sophocles, Kierkegaard, Freud, Tolstoy, Dostoevsky, Shakespeare, Donne, and the Bible this semester. Oh, and listening to Rachmaninov.

This is shaping up to be a pretty good semester.

What God Is Probably Trying to Tell Me Right Now

Today I have been lazy, restless, grouchy, angsty, worried, whiny, sarcastic, frustrated, unsettled, annoyed, sloppy, and stylin' the college look (which is undefinable because college students are all about being "different"...think Ash in The Fantastic Mr. Fox "different").

And God is probably looking at me right now now saying, "My child, if you only knew all that you will learn, how much you will love, and what joy you will find this semester, you wouldn't be restless about taking this next step. You wouldn't be reluctant to go back. If you only knew what you will be doing with your major one day down the road, you wouldn't be stressing right now; you would be smiling. If you only knew how your life has and will touch so many others, you wouldn't even be thinking about yourself right now. If you only knew what things you will soon be doing that you either never thought you would do or swore you would never do, you would be laughing right now instead of worrying. So trust Me."

I should be listening.

A Silver Lining to Every Cloud

The Cloud:
-My dad is mad at me.
-I'm getting sick, and my throat is so sore I can hardly talk.
-I still don't know what I want to major in.
-My entire church has made it their mission to give me ideas as to what to major in.
-I'm worried about whether I will get the receptionist job or not...mostly worried about if I do get it. If I don't I might actually be relieved.
-I still have 400 pages to read of Anna Karenina.
-I have job applications to fill out, job searches to go on, scholarship applications to find and fill out, and lots of boring shopping to do.
-I'm insanely worried about my friends who are trying to scrounge money for the down payment for next semester's tuition.
-My Sophocles book still hasn't come in yet, even though I ordered it four weeks ago.
-I can't find last year's financial aid documents or The Blind Side DVD.
-I can't get KERI 1410 AM to play the live radio streaming so I can listen to Mere Christian Radio.
-My ipod died in the middle of a Johnny Cash song.

The Silver Lining:
-I have friends who tell just by looking at me that something is bugging me and not only give me hugs, but invite to their house, not just for a couple hours but overnight and for as long as I want.
-I thank God that Biola made me get a chicken pox vaccine last summer so I don't have to worry about catching it when I play with wonderful kids who are getting over it.
-Skype.
-The fact that I'm getting sick while I'm not at school, and that by getting sick, I might get out of my dentist appointment tomorrow.
-Hot tea.
-Encouraging text messages.
-High school friends who see all the hard work I put into last semester and how much I enjoyed it and want to be like me.
-A high school debate coach who prays for me and reminds me that there is Someone who will take care of all my worries if I give them to Him.
-The fact that my parents don't have the time or money to get my wisdom teeth out yet.
-Little kids next door who see me and run to give me a hug.
-My entire church is praying about my major.
-My tuition is paid for next semester.
-The prospect of my first job being a good one.
-Cary Grant movies.
-Being able to attend the same little country church with the same wonderful pastor for the better part of fourteen years.

Sidenote: It should be noted that I listed 12 "clouds" and 15 "silver linings." God is good.

The Question of the Age

When will I learn to keep my mouth shut?

On a related note, I now remember why I hate Bakersfield.