One Year

I remember exactly what I was doing on April 1, 2010. It was a very important day. A day of joy, fears, and soul-searching.

One year ago, I had an interview with Dr. John Mark Reynolds, and he told me that I was accepted to Torrey, this program I had applied to with only a vague idea of what it was about. After the interview, I promptly freaked out. I didn't know what I was getting into or if I could handle it. I find it funny that exactly one year later I am sitting in my dorm room at Biola listening to Rachmaninoff and (sort of) reading Dostoevsky's The Brothers Karamazov, still worrying about how I'm going to make it through.

One year ago, I was told with regard to this crazy Torrey venture, "Siobhan, if God has called you there, if John Mark Reynolds wants you there, and if you have a desire to be there, then you will make it."

One year later, I still hold onto that promise.

Math for a Torrey Student

550 pages of Dostoyevsky to read + a computer that doesn't work well + lots of paperwork to fill out for the BSA + decisions to make + needing to watch a softball game sometime before the season ends + cancelling on my GYRAD date + Kierkegaard's existential philosophy + being told my writing skills need work + jury duty summons + tax forms + not enough money + feeling inadequate for my future career + being homesick + worry about friends + less sleep than I like = 1 stressed Torrey student (stressed about too many little things that she can't control)

"When I talked about this with one of my other classes, one student kept saying, 'I don't want to be in pain or alone.' All I could think of was the opposite: what is that worth?" ~Dr. Peters

The easy life is fun, but it isn't worth anything. It doesn't help me grow. It doesn't teach me to endure. It isn't surrendered to God. That's what keeps me going.

The Truly Human Things

I am convinced that the majority of what we do as humans is not meant to be the crux of our existence. I (and many of my peers at college here) have spent most of this semester filling out paperwork, writing and editing papers about topics we usually aren't passionate about, scheduling time into our lives to breathe, worrying about finances, worrying about having enough time, worrying about what the future holds, worrying about whether our majors are applicable in this economy, trying to fix stubborn computers and trying to fit a lot of classes into a very short amount of time. I don't think this is what I was made to do.

I was made to grow, to learn, to think, to pray, to love, to read, to write, to share, to have joy. Instead I find myself forgetting about all of these things for large chunks of time. I forget that God wants me to be joyful (not happy, but joyful). While humanity was created to work, I think we are meant to enjoy our work. College is a time to do this. It is the one time in my life where I will work closely with people who genuinely care about me and my personal growth and where my "job" of being a student includes meeting with those in authority over me to talk about how I'm growing as a person and follower of Christ. I am incredibly thankful for this oppurtunity, but at the same time I wish it wasn't all crammed into four years. We are so busy making the most of this oppurtunity that we don't have time to love, to be loved, to rest, to think, to mold our hearts into lovers of what is good, true, and beautiful. Instead I am too busy worrying whether I will have time to finish everything (and I'm not even taking a full 18 units this semester) that I don't have time to stop and just be.

A few months ago I wrote about how I was sick of just "being." I wanted to move on to doing something. I now want the reverse. I want time to be an Torrey student who actually understands the text for once. I want time to go to the beach. I want to talk for hours with my friends and not feel like I'm neglecting the 500 pages of Dostoyevsky that still need to be read. I want to return to the truly human things. I want to read good books, talk about theology, wade in a creek, dance, bake bread, laugh, drink tea. I want to be human, not a machine that must finish task X before five o'clock.

"I don't have a fairy tale marriage, but my marriage has fairy tale moments."

~Mr. San Nicolas

Harvest

"We shall come, rejoicing, bringing in the sheaves."

More of God's Gifts That I Have Noticed Lately

21. Having my Torrey paper turned in!

22. Power adapters.

23. That I didn't have to pull an all-nighter this semester to write my paper.

24. Irish music.

25. The fact that no matter how terrible my paper is, Jesus still loves me.

26. People who like to bestow monetary blessings on college students.

27. Quadratus.

28. Jelly beans.

29. Texts that make me laugh.

30. Inspiring people.

I Know It's Paper Week When...

• My best friend is the thesaurus.
• My power adapter for my laptop quits during the one time in the semester where I consider pulling all-nighters.
• I spend more time in the library than anywhere else.
• Torrey students are preparing to take over the SUB at approximately 9 pm Thursday night and will not release their hold until about 7 am Friday morning.
• For once, no one wants Friday to come any sooner.
• I experience immense guilt every time I post on my blog because I know that time should be spent editing my paper.
• Six hours of sleep becomes "enough."
• I consider taking an extension on Torrey reading.
• My friends no longer greet me with, "Hi, how are you?" but instead, "Hi, how's your paper coming?"
• Tea with caffeine late at night becomes a blessing instead of a curse.
• I forget what day it is and start thinking my paper is due tomorrow.
• I am much more thankful for the little things.