When we were growing up, my brother and I thought twelve was the magic age. Being twelve was very grown up indeed. When I was twelve, I was allowed to start helping in the nursery during service at my church. When I was (almost) twelve I entered a new world known as junior high school. At age twelve my brother was allowed to get a pocket knife. He used to say things along the lines of, "I don't like bell peppers, but when I'm twelve I will because then I will be all grown up."
Now my brother is fifteen and I am nearly eighteen. As I clean out my bedroom and prepare to leave for college in a month, I don't feel the least bit "grown up." I still want to curl up under the covers when I'm scared and cry when I feel alone. I still read the books I read when I was little. I still watch Disney movies and sing the kids songs I learned at Vacation Bible School.
I feel like I know less now than I did when I was twelve. The more I learn about God, the more mysterious He becomes. I readily admit, that I only know the tiniest fraction about God, life, and any other area of knowledge. I thought then that I knew everything there was to know about God, the Bible, my peers, and life in general. Now, at seventeen, I laugh at my twelve-year-old self. "You didn't understand true pain or suffering at that age! How could you have understood God's healing power? You had not known real, deep joy at twelve! How could you have understood God's calming and sustaining presence? You didn't know what conviction was when you were twelve! How could you have possibly understood the prickle of the Holy Spirit in your heart?"
God has taught me so much since I was twelve. At that age I told God, "Get me what I want, when I want it." I am so thankful that He didn't listen to me. I would have lost a myriad of oppurtunities. I would have attended a different high school, and I would have had different friends. Most importantly, if God had listened to me when I was twelve, I would still have the mind-set of my twelve-year-old self, and I cannot think of any greater tragedy.
It is absolutely wonderful to go through a process of learning how little you know and how absolutely beyond your comprehension God is. So great to see you already doing that. You'll love Torrey. :)
ReplyDeleteOh, and I know college is supposed to be the start of being "grown up" or whatever... but you're still a kid. I feel anything but grown up most of the time, and I'm just now starting to feel a bit grown up. College is a wonderful place to be only a bit grown up, and to do a lot of growing up.
Siobhan, I am so excited to meet you at Torrientation. You seem like a wonderful person. :)
I totally thought the same thing about being twelve! That all the sudden I'd be grown up. And I definitely thought the same thing about not being grown up at 18, either. I agree with Robynne, you are definitely still a kid, still in the process of growing up. College is a pretty sweet ride, God takes you crazy places.
ReplyDeleteAnd PS: pretty much all of Biola loves Disney. It is a wonderful place to be. There is much singing.